Written & directed by Artemas Gruzdeff

Jesus Flummoxes Scientists

Friday, August 24, 2007

Jesus put a giant hole into the sky. SPACE.com reports:

The universe has a huge hole in it that dwarfs anything else of its kind. The discovery caught astronomers by surprise.

The hole is nearly a billion light-years across. It is not a black hole, which is a small sphere of densely packed matter. Rather, this one is mostly devoid of stars, gas and other normal matter, and it's also strangely empty of the mysterious "dark matter" that permeates the cosmos. Other space voids have been found before, but nothing on this scale.

Astronomers don't know why the hole is there.

"Not only has no one ever found a void this big, but we never even expected to find one this size," said researcher Lawrence Rudnick of the University of Minnesota.

“It’s a sign that Jesus is bored with scientists,” said in a private interview with me one former mega-church leader. “No more burying of dinosaur bones for you either, you arrogant bastards. It’s a sign that Rapture is near. Repent you sins.”

iPhone Frustrates Forensics ‘Experts’

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Wired reports:

"The iPhone is evil," says Amber Schroader, CEO of Utah-based Paraben, a leader in digital-forensics software development. "It's Mac OS X, and it's a completely closed system."

How incompetent you have to be to run ‘a leader in digital-forensics software development’? Extremely incompetent it seems. It’s a rare ability to put so much bullshit in such a short sentence.

Firstly, it’s ‘OS X’, not ‘Mac OS X’.

Secondly, ‘completely closed system’? Like you can’t get pretty much everything in or out? If you don’t know how to do it, it’s your problem. You are supposed to be experts. How you people love whining about anything that it is not Microsoft!

OK, I’m a bit harsh on Ms. Schroader. What she’s really saying is, “My job as a CEO is about cutting expenses so that I can receive a large bonus and buy luxury items. iPhone? I have no idea what it is, but it’s not Windows. I don’t what to hire anyone who knows what this thing is. It’s expensive. Why is it not Windows? Every high school kid can deal with Windows. In fact, all the ‘experts’ I employ are high school kids. I’m paying them 5 bucks more than McDonald’s. But someone who knows something about iPhone will probably ask for a real salary. I cannot afford it. Why is it not Windows? Damn you, Steve Jobs.”

That’s why I conduct all my criminal activities from a laptop running Haiku. They won’t get anything out of it in a million years.

Tags: Holy Grail.

Time To Get Unethical

Jakob Nielsen recently released the results of his web advertising study leading him to the conclusion that the most effective ways to draw users’ attention to the ads are the most unethical. I’ve always suspected that, generally, unethical behavior pays off, but now when there’s not only my own empirical observations, but also a scientific study to prove it, it’s time for me to act.

When I learn the results of a scientific study, I always apply them to myself to improve the quality of my life. For instance, all I eat now is hot chocolate and cooked carrots: I am told by science that they are rich in antioxidants and therefore will make me immortal.

That’s why I’m announcing today that I will mock you on this blog unless you give me a very large sum of money. No disclosure is required.

Do I value money over integrity? Oh, absolutely. I’m no High Priest of the Church of Integrity. Integrity doesn’t buy me Armani ties and Prada shoes, money does.

Microsoft, it’s your chance to make your first ever marketing move that doesn’t suck. Buy me off!

Tags: Inexaustible Fountain Of Cash.

My Digg FAQ

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What kind of people run Digg? Check out their FAQ:

I want to delete my account, how do I do that?
You can request for your account removal by contacting support@digg.com.

How can I delete a story I submitted?
Please contact support@digg.com to remove a story.

How can I delete a comment I made?
Please send us the URL of the comment you want to delete.

Why do you limit how many comments I can post over a certain amount of time?
You might have really fast fingers, but we limit the number of comments you can post.

Seems like these control freaks would feel quite at home in Stalinist Russia.

Then there is bombastic language worthy of a communist party executive:

Digg takes a firm stance against users who violate our Terms of Service. This is in order to protect the integrity of our system for the good of our community.

I think they are some kind of totalitarian cult or something.

And they are an ignorant lot, too:

Is it ok to have more than one account on Digg?
Unless you exist in two parallel universes at once, unfortunately no.

It’s like saying “unless the Earth is round”. Everyone exists in a hell of a lot of parallel universes. It’s like, the most basic knowledge about the world. As for this ‘at once’ bit I’m not sure it makes any sense at all, especially in this context. And I imagine whoever wrote this thought he was being clever. Come on, it’s not 17th century out there. Educate yourself a little.

But getting to the point. I think the FAQ as it is doesn’t get the core message across as effectively as it should. Therefore, I decided to give back to the community by proposing an improved version.

It has only one entry, but it’s the one entry you needed from the original anyway.

The Unofficial Digg FAQ

I want to delete my account, how do I do that?

Easy. Just post some porn. No need to email us at support@digg.com. You account will be immediately terminated and all your history erased. Also, your social security number will be invalidated; your citizenship, nullified; your bank accounts, arrested; your property, confiscated; your brain, pulverized; and your other organs, donated for the benefit of the Community.

Remember: we must protect the Community, the Integrity of the System and the Sanctity of the Algorithm.

Hallowed are those who abide by the Terms of Service.

Please note that this action cannot be reversed.

Digg this!

Tags: Joseph Stalin, GULAGG.

Telekinesis Is Illegal In This State, You Know

Monday, August 20, 2007

This is too good to be true. But it’s true. China banned Buddhist monks from reincarnating without government permission.

And you thought the United States government had reality problems. Heck, if you thought anyone had reality problems you should reconsider now. The bar has been just re-set.

Pandora Thing

Joel Spolsky is frustrated at his inability to open an Office 2007 box.

Joel, you should be thankful. You are spared the inconvenience of having to actually use this thing.

If you think about it, true enterprise software is designed to end up on a shelf, anyway. And this is a hell of a box to put on a shelf! Makes you proud. I give Microsoft an A on packaging.

Plus, a secure box is a bullet-point, if you know what I mean.

Tags: Inexaustible Fountain Of Cash, Prevention Of Information Technology, Steaming Pile Of Horseshit.

Guess Who

There is this website, ‘Things my boyfriend says’, where some gal posts things her boyfriend says.

It’s all quite hilarious, but there is one particular quote that caught my attention. It allows me to guess at the identity of this ‘boyfriend’ person:

"Why are people always stealing my ideas? Like penis in vagina sex. MY IDEA."

It’s Dave Winer, isn’t it?

My Exercise In Eschatology

Sunday, August 19, 2007

A few days ago John Tierney of the New York Times discovered a very real possibility that we live in a computer simulation run by some intelligent being whom he called ‘The Prime Designer’ (‘The Architect’ being already taken by Messrs. Wachowskis). Presuming that this being reads his blog, Mr. Tierney invited everyone to leave a message for Him.

I’ve always wanted to communicate His utter incompetence to this Prime Designer figure, so I wrote this brief, but deep and meaningful piece of prose:

What you do is childish and irresponsible. This practical ontology is really getting old. Enough already! You are advanced enough to understand that we are no less real than you.

Having left this message, I was expecting the world to collapse or at least to be rolled back to the state before I was born. I felt like celebrating.

I poured myself a glass of champagne and waited. Nothing happened. I poured myself another one. Nothing happened again. Eventually I ran out of champagne. Still, the world didn’t end.

Looks like I wasted a perfectly good bottle. This is outrageous.

Tags: End Of The World Party, Arrogant Bastard.

Fast, Inaccurate And Stupid

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Albert Einstein on Web 2.0:

Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination.


And it was like that from the very beginning. ‘WWW’ is the stupidest acronym in the world, because it’s a six-syllable acronym that stands for three single-syllable words. But, obviously, people feel it should be shorter, so they tend to pronounce it fast and inaccurately.

How such an abomination to the English language came to be, you wonder? Well, people who invented the web didn’t talk to each other. They sent emails.

Tags: Famous Last Words.

Daring ‘Daring Fireball’

Friday, August 17, 2007

John Gruber:

A little over two weeks ago I began experimenting with a new format for the default RSS feed here at Daring Fireball.

In a footnote Mr. Gruber adds:

Technically, the new feeds are in Atom 1.0 format, but it’s far easier and better understood to simply call them “RSS feeds” than something like “syndicated XML feeds”.

I have similar news to report: I went to a grocery store the other day and bought some apples. Actually I bought cumquats. But ‘cumquat’ is a foreign word which you, simple folk, would not understand. It’s far easier on you to simply call them ‘apples’. They are both fruits.

Come on, John! I know you love footnotes, but writing utter nonsense for the sole purpose, it appears, of adding a footnote? It’s going a bit too far, don’t you think?

And how dumb do you believe your audience is, anyway?

Sorry, Your Ascension Has Been Delayed

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I became aware via Daring Fireball that Paul Kim is disappointed that Numbers isn’t a multidimensional spreadsheet.

Yeah, and I’m disappointed iPhone can’t read my mind.

Seriously, multidimensional spreadsheets? I have no idea what it means, but it sounds terrifying. Maybe, Stephen Hawking can visualize in his mind all 10 dimensions of the space-time, but I couldn’t imagine a f*cking tesseract even if my life depended on it.

One day we will evolve into multidimensional higher beings, and use fittingly multidimensional spreadsheets, and our gadgets will read our minds.

But this day is not today.

Tags: Unrealistic Expectations, String Theory, Post-Humans.

Current music: Gregorio Allegri—Miserere à neuf voix, version avec ornamentations baroques—A Sei Voci directed by Bernard Fabre-Garrus.

The Modern Prometheus

I learnt today that MIT scientists have found a way to create in the lab large amounts of cancer stem cells.

I didn’t actually read much of the press release (don’t get all scientific on me), so I don’t really know how they did it, but I guess they did it by abusing cancer fetuses.

Hey, MIT! Cancer fetuses are cancer people. You can’t just kill them for the advancement of science. (There was an X-Files episode about this guy who fed on tumors and regrew his head when decapitated in a car accident. So, cancer people must be real.)

I feel like there’s an issue for all God-fearing citizens to stand up against. Stop playing Jesus, MIT!

Also in the news: in their continued effort to make deadliest diseases immortal MIT researchers are on their way to creating AIDS stem cells, heart disease stem cells and Alzheimer stem cells.

Tags: Frankenstein, Abomination To God, Slaughter Of Innocent Children, Mad Scientists.

On Numbers (Not Really)

David Weiss shares his thoughts on a recently released Apple product, Numbers. I want to share my thoughts on his thoughts.

One of the great benefits of working at Microsoft is that when you add a new little one to your family, you get 1 month of paid paternity leave.

With such socialist policies it’s no wonder Microsoft releases products that are as attractive and usable as anything made in the Soviet Union.

The bigger questions in my mind are really these: "Will Apple's software foundation allow them to add to and improve their software for the next 20 years? What will be the rate of their improvement?"

I think the great thing about Apple, they don’t ask themselves: “How do we build an indefinitely sustainable monopoly?” Instead, they are building things that actual people love to use.

But this is really brilliant:

Mac users are the kind of people that want things to "just work".

Exactly, and Windows users are such kind of people that nobody cares what they want. Least of all, Microsoft.

Tags: Socialist Scum, Inexaustible Fountain Of Cash.


James McGovern:

The next time you talk with business customers, avoid like the plague telling them about how you are helping enable the strategic intent of the business through the use of technology, helping reduce the cost of IT or even helping them receive higher quality valuable working software and instead insert any of the below bullet points into each and every sentence.

  • Best Practices
  • Thinking outside the box
  • At the end of the day
  • Synergy
  • Rationalization
  • Paradigm
  • BPM
  • Low hanging fruit
  • Core competencies
  • Compliance
  • Manage expectations
  • Strategic
  • Best of breed
  • Drop the ball
  • Good to Great
  • Raise the Bar

I don’t need to add anything, do I.

Kids Go To MySpace—For Now

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

National School Boards Association:

Alexandria, VA – August 14 - A new study released today by the National School Boards Association and Grunwald Associates LLC exploring the online behaviors of U.S. teens and ‘tweens shows that 96 percent of students with online access use social networking technologies, such as chatting, text messaging, blogging, and visiting online communities such as Facebook, MySpace, and Webkinz.

Everything related to institutionalized education fills me with undiluted hatred, so, naturally, I’ve got some issues with this report.

Firstly, what’s with an apostrophe before ‘tweens’? Even J. R. R. Tolkien who was so old-fashioned he thought ‘gay’ means ‘merry’ didn’t put an apostrophe before ‘tweens’.

Secondly, what’s with the phrases “Almost half of students (49 percent)” and “more than one in five students (22 percent)”? I can’t decide whether it’s really moronic or really creepy.

Thirdly and finally, reading all these numbers probably left you wondering: so what? Kids go to MySpace. Big news. Duh.

Well, the crux of the whole thing is this:

“There is no doubt that these online teen hangouts are having a huge influence on how kids today are creatively thinking and behaving,” said Anne L. Bryant, executive director of the National School Boards Association. “The challenge for school boards and educators is that they have to keep pace with how students are using these tools in positive ways and consider how they might incorporate this technology into the school setting.”

Which translates to: the sure way to kill MySpace is to teach it at school.

Tags: Child Abuse.

Carrier Advice

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Some chap called William Davies wrote an article for The Register called The Cold, Cold Heart of Web 2.0 in which (I’m quoting Nicholas Carr here) “he argues that it's a mistake to assume that the technology-driven efficiencies we welcome in the commercial realm, as a means of reducing costs and, often, expanding choices, will also bring benefits when applied to the social or cultural realm”. It is, in the words of Mr. Carr, an “important essay” and indeed it scored high on my profundity-o-meter. Please, refer to the original article and Mr. Carr’s excellent commentary.

I, however, want to talk about some other point which Mr. Davies’s article demonstrates rather aptly.

When you go to the article, you’ll notice two rectangular objects seemingly unrelated to everything else on the page: one, near the top, the other, on the right. It’s called automated contextual advertising and it’s what makes the web tick these days.

Publishers like advertising because advertising makes money for publishers.

The problem is, in order for this automated advertising to work you need something called ‘content’.

Creating this ‘content’ stuff isn’t easy. You could certainly reuse someone else’s ‘content’ (the result would be called a ‘splog’), but that is widely considered bad manners. A respected journalism outlet, that is The Register, certainly wouldn’t enjoy to be called a ‘splog’.

So, it would greatly help if you could somehow make so-called ‘original content’ appear at will.

If you are an engineer or a scientist you probably find it hard to just sit down and pull some ‘content’ out of vacuum.

That’s why in order to succeed in modern society you should major in Philosophy and not in Quantum Physics.

I bet Mr. Davies did.


As soon as Steven Sinofsky replaced Jim Alchin as the chief Windows guy at Microsoft he renamed the upcoming Windows Vienna to Windows 7.

Windows 7. That’s good. I like it very much. Simple, but classy. Like Mac OS X.

The name change will allegedly prevent another Vista-esque development process. In the related news, there will be no Office 13. Instead, the numbering goes from 12 straight to 14. Silly superstitions, you think? Not at all.

It’s called magic and it is, in fact, a practice well established in the computer industry. Technically speaking, what Mr. Sinofsky did is cast a spell. Now, I don’t know the exact details and, of course, no one involved talks about this kind of stuff (they are all bound by oath, or course, and will be dead or worse before they try to speak), but I’m sure as hell that the next Windows will be released on schedule.

Did you know that Microsoft Office owes much of its success to mandrake root and virgin’s blood? It’s true. Now that Mr. Sinofsky has been assigned to Windows expect some really dark magic on Windows front as well.

This name, however, doesn’t exactly play along established brand qualities. I mean, no one would take seriously a Microsoft product named just ‘Windows 7’. Windows Live Cloud Infrastructure Enterprise Basic Enhanced Edition—that’s the kind of Microsoft branding we came to love. Thankfully, ‘Windows 7’ is not a final name.

My guess is, when it comes out, Windows 7 will be known as Windows and the Deathly Hallows.

By the way, speaking of silly superstitions, a necklace with a clove of garlic which Mr. Sinofsky always wears around his neck is, in fact, silly; not because it offers little protection against a modern vampire, but because it makes him personally unpleasant.

Tags: Inexaustible Fountain Of Cash, Magical Thinking, Horcrux.

Mashup That SOA

Monday, August 13, 2007

Every now and then (once a year or so) aspiring Bill Gates’s surrogate Ray Ozzie comes out and strikes the world as a great communicator.

It was just so on July 26 when Mr. Ozzie spoke before Wall Street analysts.

In his enlightening talk he used words:

These changes in the environment almost always catalyze the creation of some new solutions that leverage the new capabilities enabled by that technology shift.

This is awesome. How does he do that? Is it spontaneous? Does he only talk this way or does he think this way, too?

And it goes like this for quite a while.

These are generally ad-monetized applications, and because of that, there's synergy in sharing data and features among the apps at this level.

Does this really mean anything? Who cares? Read it aloud. Seriously. It’s beautiful. It’s got the synergy.

A word of caution, though: don’t try to understand. It will ruin everything. I did and instantly developed a splitting headache. Trust me. Just read the words, listen to the music.

I believe we're the only company with the platform DNA that's necessarily to viably deliver this highly leveragable platform approach to services.

OK, I almost got that. “Our company strategy is something about leveraging our platforms.” I’m quite sure I’ve read it somewhere else before. Oh, yes, it was June 10 Dilbert.

I especially like how he made ‘leverage’ into an adjective. Though according to Merriam-Webster and the Oxford English Dictionary ‘leveragable’ is not a word, I think it’s their loss.

Still, it was not all purely theoretical. In a striking and unexpected move Mr. Ozzie announced impending plans to make important announcements:

And over the course of the next 12 to 18 months, we are going to begin introducing a number of new and very key components both at the platform layer and at the app layer.

“Very key”. I like the sound of that.

Strangely, the stock market was not impressed.

Tags: Inexaustible Fountain Of Cash.

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Hello, friend! My name is Artemas Gruzdeff.

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Famous People about Web 2.0

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind-legs. But by standing a whole flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. If man were not a gregarious animal, the world might have achieved, by this time, some real progress towards civilization. Segregate him, and he is no fool. But let him loose among his fellows, and he is lost — he becomes a unit in unreason.

— Max Beerbohm

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.

— Voltaire

I assure you, I’m not high.

— George W. Bush

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