Written & directed by Artemas Gruzdeff
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Jakob Nielsen recently released the results of his web advertising study leading him to the conclusion that the most effective ways to draw users’ attention to the ads are the most unethical. I’ve always suspected that, generally, unethical behavior pays off, but now when there’s not only my own empirical observations, but also a scientific study to prove it, it’s time for me to act.
When I learn the results of a scientific study, I always apply them to myself to improve the quality of my life. For instance, all I eat now is hot chocolate and cooked carrots: I am told by science that they are rich in antioxidants and therefore will make me immortal.
That’s why I’m announcing today that I will mock you on this blog unless you give me a very large sum of money. No disclosure is required.
Do I value money over integrity? Oh, absolutely. I’m no High Priest of the Church of Integrity. Integrity doesn’t buy me Armani ties and Prada shoes, money does.
Microsoft, it’s your chance to make your first ever marketing move that doesn’t suck. Buy me off!
Hello, friend! My name is Artemas Gruzdeff.
You don’t know me, but I work at the phone company and know whom you’ve been talking to. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.
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When the time comes, cut the red one.
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© 2600 BC Amon Ra.
This blog is intended as a comedy, but as an equal opportunity content producer I do not require consumers to have a sense of humor.
You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind-legs. But by standing a whole flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men. If man were not a gregarious animal, the world might have achieved, by this time, some real progress towards civilization. Segregate him, and he is no fool. But let him loose among his fellows, and he is lost — he becomes a unit in unreason.
The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.
I assure you, I’m not high.
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